Artistic

I am finally feeling very artistic again, which is wonderful. I have been doing a lot of drawings of cats and impressionism work. I feel pretty accomplished with it as well, which really isn't me, I normally don't really like my art. It is nice for the first time in a long while to feel happy with something in my life, even something as small as art. New things are soon to happen in my life, and I am very excited about them. I am applying to a lot of places and hoping to get a call back soon. I would really love to find ANY job at this point.

Patrick came over today and hung out with me, it was really nice because we didn't really do much.. Just sat around and watched tv and talked. We are arguing a lot less and I feel more in love with him then I did before. I really do hope that it works out for us in the end. I know that only the Goddess and God know what is in store, and I am alright with that.

I am having the urge to read a novel, though I don't know what I want to read. I am kind of starting to not like fictional books as much as I used to. I seem to crave nonfiction, though this is weird to me because I hate the way the world is today. I also have the urge to learn something new, I really want to learn French, and I am working on it although I only have a small book to work with. I would love to get a DVD program or something, but I don't have the money right now. I also can't go to the library either because all of my missing books. Lol.. It's alright though, I will find a way to learn if I really want it.

I have learned not to sweat the small things in life, and focus on the future. I feel better about things now than I used to. Focusing on my strengths and not my weaknessses is definetly a healthier way of life. I'm looking to be moved out completely by Fall of this year. I am going to keep this goal, I really need to get out of this unhealthy (mentally and physically) living environment that I am living in now. If I want it bad enough I will get in, in time.

My mom is off this next week so her and I are going to look around at places and get ideas on costs for me. I am going to try and get some applications as well this week, though I am not sure who is hiring.

I am ready for winter to be over!

So tonight was interesting and a lot of fun. Even though the morning started off total shit. 2 nights ago I fell on ice and fucked up my hips really bad. And I had horrible reactions to the pain killers they gave me, so I had to go BACK to the er TWICE......... I was supposed to go with Pat to this family thing, but I was too sick to even sit up in my bed.....

Britt called me and asked me to go out with her and Tara for her bday. So I went and it was alright.. Pretty boring to be honest... Heh... Well after that Britt was supposed to go with me to Hammerheads for Erica's bday party, but she changed her mind. So I ended up having her drop me off there. I got to hang with Holly, Emily, Max, Cresten, Kenny, Micheal and the bday girl. It was a lot of fun, I love going to H-Heads.. Always a good time, indeed.

Right now I am sitting at Emily's while everyone is asleep, but me.... Lol.. I'm not really tired. I feel like I have too many things to do, yet I really have nothing. Weird, huh? So, Pat and I are basically at each others throats again, it sucks because I hate being that way with eachother. I feel like a bitch when I say this, but I think that it is because he does drugs, and I don't. I love him to pieces, but it's like he always has to lie to me, about even the littlest of things. What makes a person lie? I have asked myself that many times. Is it because we are afaird to hurt someone? Or maybe it is because we want to hurt someone? Are we conditioned in a way that makes socitey feel it has to be fake to carry on important and meaningful endeavors, so we have to lie to be successful? I have no idea and know that I cannot answer these questions.

Lately I have been really tired, sleepy tired. I can't seem to get a good sleep time in. I am always waking up at night, and I don't know why. I am also having more visions than I used to. And I don't mean schizo-inspired visions, I mean like clairvoyance. It is really starting to scare me and I wish that I could understand it better. I know that it is a gift, but sometimes I wish I didn't have it. I have had many dreams lately about the world ending, and destruction of all man kind. It makes me wake up sad and depressed. Not for mankind, persay, but for the fact that we have brought ourselves this far and hit rock bottom. It makes me wonder if we, indeed, were meant to fail in the end. I am not afraid of the end, I welcome it, as depressing as that may sound. It is not depressing to me in any way. I think that it would be a new start for mother earth.

Today is the 1st day

So I was told to get a blog spot and here I am! Lol. Yeah, so this is my new blog spot, pretty cool, indeed. Not much has happened today. I have a lot of questions I really want to ask Pat, but I don't know how to go about it. I am scared that he is going to think that I am just invading his privacy. I am really not, I just wanted to know some truths. I want to know who Annie is and when he did what was said on his phone. It makes me nervous to think about it and makes my heart race. I don't know why I let myself get so worked up over this crap. I really shouldn't but I guess I love him. I tried to let myself be alright whenever we were broken up, but it never worked out that way. I was always thinking about him and thinking about all the mistakes I had made. Even though I really should have been focused on myself and my life, about how to make my life better. I am doing that now though, but I still feel weak. Maybe my grandmother was right, maybe I DO need a man in my life. That's what frustrates me so badly about this world. So many people still view women under men. Like they can't support themselves without a men, all that ridiculous shit. I just don't get it.

I have thought about proving to her that I don't as well as the rest of the world. But deep down, I just don't give a shit what people think. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, but when they try to bash their ideas on others, that is when they are crossing the line.

Well this post just ended up being babbles.. I guess I don't have much to say today.